| new journal... |
[18 Nov 2003|09:52pm] |
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3EB - My Hit and Run |
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) celluloid_tears uh... yeh... I dunno.. I maay still use this one sometimes, but i doubt it... Not deleting it, jsut not using it... *shrug* add me if you want.
<3
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| eh... |
[17 Nov 2003|06:31pm] |
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Bright eyes... why? *sigh* |
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The past few weeks have really sucked... Nothing all that good has happened, and it's starting to get to me. It's like, every time something good happens, something bad comes right along and fucks everything up... I don't like it at all... I had a con this weekend... And i didn't enjoy it all that much, which is weird coming from me, because Con's are usually all that I ever want to live for. The people, the feeling of belonging, the games, just. everything about con is so wonderful. But This one just wasn't all that great. I know that some of that is because of the fact that it was a Junior High con, and none of the younger kids take con as seriously as the older kids, but they're always so immature and loud and obnoxious... I dunno, it just really started to get to me... That and sometimes i just don't feel like I belong there, like, my friends go and talk to their friends and leave me sitting alone, and it just makes me feel... worthless i guess. not even that, i dunno. i'm just an attention craving whore... kinda... but like, i dunno... whatever. anyways, at con, there's this guy, and i've been fairly attracted to him for quite a while, and friday night, i wasn't tired, so i wasn't sleeping, and i went and wrote some stuff, drew some pictures, and just, thought... a lot... and April, this totally awesome girl comes and starts talking to me about how she likes said boy. and i'm like "oh shit" 'cause i like him too, and yeah. so i don't say anything, i just listen, and he comes in and he's all like... adorable and tired so the three of us go lay down. ya know, fun stuff like that... and just, various things happen and he ends up kissing me... and april, who was sitting next to us, got up and kinda walked away, and i was so scared that she hated me... so he got up and talked to her, and after me being totally freaked out, i went and talked to them, and she was ok apparently. after telling me that, he blew me a kiss, so i was all, i guess things are cool between us... but he fell asleep, me and april talked more, and fell asleep, yeah... next morning, he didn't talk to me much, but he was making breakfast, so that was ok. then i dunno. we had morning workshops, and he was in mine, and across the room, and kept looking at me, and i'd get eye contact and he'd keep it, and i couldn't look away because i didn't wanna... i guess i didn't want to make him feel.. like i wasn't inetested? i guess... but it was hard to keep eye contact because he was keeping such a striaght face, i dunno. then me and Caitlin, who i love to death, talked in another room, and i dunno.... i was shocked at things she told me... I love her so much... but yeah. i dunno. ..a lot of things happened, and all of that, on top of the past few weeks for me, made me cry. i was jus tsitting there, talking to caitlin and evan, and i just started thinking about how much this con was sucking, and all this... shit that i shouldn't have been thinking about, and ijsut started to cry. everyone prolly thought it was because of the... boy... which was part of it, but not really... then I bonded. With a few people. and i'm telling you. it was so fuckign sweet. then the dance. Bonding, and then dancing, is like... orgasmic. almost literally. er.. yeah. then sleep... after a bit mroe suckyness. and woke up, still sucking. and just... yeah. everything from that point on sucked. i came home and jsut slept. from about 2:30 'till 6. then went to school... Found out that Dillan died.... Everyone was crying. i almost did, but didn't because i didn't want to... or something... i dunno... then, i found out that Alyssa and Joe are dating... so that sucked. then i guess today got a little better, but i dunno. i'm in a generally not happy mood. i almost started crying today in Larry class. Just everything decided to hit me at once... i dunno. i got over it though. I have a soccer game tonight.. should be fun. maybe i'll be able to play. Alyssa and Joe will prolly be getting it on in the bleachers... fuck. I love alyssa, i need to stop bitching... :\... I guess i'm happy for her, she needs it... i guess... then again though, don't I? ... apparently not... what ever. I just wish that that boy would talk to me... ignore what his friends say, and talk to me, he seemed like he wanted to... He made me sit on his lap... made me feel so much better. I just wish that i could talk to him about it... i need his screen name, but forgot to ask him for it... oh well. I can't let myself get obsessed. or whatever. i was probably just a one night stand that he wants to have again... *shrug* i'll get better. i promise.
*sigh* con people are so hot... i'm jealous... lol. I need some pics of the hotter people. I got some, but omg... there are so many more worth pictures... er something. today sucked... the past few weeks have sucked.. now that i've gotten that out, i guess i'll get ready for soccer. :)... later.
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[14 Nov 2003|03:40pm] |
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excited, but like shit.. |
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Postal Service - This Place is a Prison |
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I should really be finishing packing... but I don't really wanna... I have con today, and i'm leaving around 5 to get there. It should be totally sweet. :):) erm... Yeah. Saw Texas chainsaw massicre last night. It wasn't all that freaky... kinda stupid actually.. and when the one chick was running, me and Rikki both started singing the song from Finding nemo "just keep swimming just keep swimming.." but we changed it to "just keep running, just keep running, running, running, what do we do we ruuuuun!" and it amused me... *shrug* this post had no content, and no point. but i get to go to con!
Right. done. later.
I want a new journal... anyone know anyone who's willing to give up a code?
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| wo hoo. |
[11 Nov 2003|06:38pm] |
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AFI - This Time Imperfect [everyone download it!!!] |
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today was alright i guess. Sarah wasn't there, so that kinda sucked, Tess hasn't been there for the past 3-ish school days, so that sucks too... but yeah. Today started out complete and utter shit. Just felt terrible for the most part... and that continued throughout most of the day... I got to speech and i dunno. Guess there's just something about that class, because i felt a little better. Chris's humor i guess. that or i didn't have any time to think about shit, like i've had all day...
the thinking helped me a bit... I kinda figured out what all it is that's bothering me... There's the obvious one, that no one gets to know about, then there's the other one that's not so obvious, but just kinda floats there and what not... then there's my sister's car crash... That's really been on my mind a lot recently. How easily i could have lost her... I'm just so glad she's ok and everything... Carol came up to me and talked to me about it... i didn't really want to think about it... but I guess it's ok... then Chris asked about it too, so yeah, maybe i should tell my teachers when something happens to my sisters... heh... maybe this is lame, but if anyone wants to read the article, here it is:
( The article )
the picture that's in the newspaper is kinda... interesting. the car is smashed up real bad and all that... more things that have been bothering me... the last 3 nights, i've had 2 dreams that my grandparents died... the first one, my grandma got in a car crash... go figure... then last night i had a dream that my grandpa was in the mountains with me and my dad and my grandma and he had a seisure or something and fell off the deck of one of the cabins and i dont know if he died, all i know is that i couldn't help at all...and it's been bothering me 'cause neither of my grandparents [on my dad's side] are in all that good of health, and they keep dieing in my dreams.. yeah... And I'm not doing too well with school... my grades are ok-ish, but i'm not doing that well... Although, I'm making friends. For the first time in a while, i had 3 or 4 people say they wanted to do something, and then like... everyone said bye to me.. and that never happens, maybe people were just having a good day though, but i still think i'm making friends. I dunno. Even though today started out like suck. I think things are starting to get better, i know what's wrong, i know what i need to fix, now all i have to do is fix it. not that hard. right? oh. and i need to start running... i REALLY need to get in shape, 'cause i'm starting to feel gross... :) done now...
oh. and i stole this from sarah. fill it out if you wish to. not sure who made it, for all i know, it was sarah. so <3 at her:
( woo hoo fill in the blanks! )
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[10 Nov 2003|08:30pm] |
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FATA - Autumns Monologue |
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god damnit. god damnit. god damnit. god damnit. god damnit. god damnit. god danmit. god damnit. god damnit! I hate people. Why the FUCK not me?! She gets everything. fuck fuck fucking fuck.
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[10 Nov 2003|04:26pm] |
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Oasis - Cast No Shadow |
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JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. [although apparently people don't think so...] Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally.[what?] Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking.[depending on what it is...] No difficulties in studying.[can i get a double cross out??] Loves to be alone.[again with the double cross out] Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
other then the 5 or so i crossed out, that's real true. kinda creepy. *shrug* rawr... bored. today was alright... soccer game tonight... hope I don't suck... gunna go do something else now...
( find your month )
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[10 Nov 2003|11:02am] |
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people making tard noises... |
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sarah and i are in the pooter room... not really an point to it, but were here. so yeah. I have play practice tonight. And the a chairopractor appointment to fix my neck and make the headaches go away. then a soccer game. which we will loose. and love. or something. Today's kinda sucking so far... and i have a spanish quiz next period... should prolly be studying. but ya know... uh. yeah. i'm leaving. people are in here now....
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| *is content* |
[08 Nov 2003|11:31pm] |
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Damien Rice - Volcano |
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So rent... Totally fucking sweet. I'd most definatley liked it better had it been the origional cast, but at least i saw it. It was so good. Only one or two things got on my nerves. And other than that... I don't even know. It was so good. La Vie Bohem, my fav. song, was just... amazing. all... happy and great. I dunno. I don't really have anything more to say than it was sweet. I'm sure that if i thought about it, i'd be able to come up with more, but.. it was sweet and that's all i need to say.
It's really freekin cold in my house. it was like... 65 when i walked in,and i turned it up to about 70... still getting there. i'm cold... also pretty tired. Dispite getting something like 13 hours of sleep last night. Went to bed around 10:30, didn't get up 'till about 11:30 when the cable guy came over. considering i haven't gotten much sleep, it felt real good, but i'm still exhausted. I'm thinking to just wash my face, brush my teeth, and curl up in bed and fall asleep. maybe add in a few dreams... good ones... yeah. that'd be nice.
I had a dream last night that my Grandma died... I cried a lot in the dream... and i woke up and i wasn't crying, but i could feel the sadness still there and then i was back asleep and she was still dead. She called today around 3... I was really glad she did because i was kinda going crazy. *shrug* That's the only dream I can remember right now. I think there were more, but 'meh.
I took my dog for a walk today, and when i used to take her, i'd go back to these old abandoned rail cars and sit on top of them, then i got really creeped out of them and stopped going back there. But I went back today, and it was really nice. It's been my 'thinking area' for awhile, and i was nice to be able to go up there again and just sit. Mariah liked it too. Gave her a chance to run around for a while. I love the area up there.. but yeah...
My kitty's in my lap looking at me and purring... He keeps making little meow noises asking me to pet him, but i'm typing so i can't... poor kitty. now he's licking my arm and it tickles. a lot. oh god.. He's so cute. I love my kitty.
i'm thinking i'm gunna go to bed. I'll talk to ya'll later. ;)
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[08 Nov 2003|12:42pm] |
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RENT - Disk 1 'cuase i'm sweet ;) |
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RENT TONIGHT!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
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| it's empty tonight and i'm all alone... |
[07 Nov 2003|08:08pm] |
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Postal Service - The District sleeps alone tonight |
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:\... Friday night, guess where i am. Yup. At home. No one's online, no one's home, and i have absolutley nothing to do. I'm so rbored, and it's only 8:00. I could easily go to sleep. that'd be smart. but i'd rather sit here and complain. *shrug* what else am i good for...
Today i was sitting in the big room and i overheard some people talking, not gunna say who, but 'some people' works for me. But i heard my name, and a minute or two later, they were talking about "yeah, she's really annoying. that's why we never talk to her" And i can only assume they were talking about me, mainly 'cause i heard my name, and that group of people never do talk to me. But it kinda bothered me. They've never actually tried to get to know me, and whenever they really hear me talking it's when i've had too much caffiene, and or sugar, so i'm hyper and bouncy. Granted I do talk a lot, and people probably aren't all that interested in whati have to say all the time, but they don't have to go saying i'm annoying when they don't even know me at all.. Do people really just assume people are always the same way and never change? or am i just lucky enough to have people who don't want to get to know me... whatever though... I guess I'll get over it.
A lot of things are going wrong right now. Not just in my life, but everywhere. so many people have died, and gotten hurt, so much is happening and it's just... crazy. i don't know why it's affecting me as much as it does, considering i don't know anyone who'se gotten hurt, but it's just making my emotions all crazy. My sister got in a car crash, and she's been in the hospital a lot recently. She's fine, but the fact that she got hurt... i dunno. It's just been making my emotions really crazy. First she goes off and lives in california for about a month without keeping in very good contact with anyone in the family, and that scared the shit out of me, and then she gets in a car crash, and if she hadn't been wearing a seat belt, she'd be gone. I would no longer have a middle sister. It's amazing how fast things like that could happen. One day, someone's there and alive and happy, and the next. they're just gone. anything you had to say to them, any feelings you wanted to share, any arguments you ever had, everything. there's no way to make that go away anymore. you can't talk to the person, you can't see them anymore, and you won't ever be able to hear their voice again. What would my life be like without sarah... God. I don't really even want to think about it, but it's been on my mind every day the past week. if one thing hadnt happened my sister, who i love to death, wouldn't be here anymore. There are so many things i still have to say to her. so many things i've missed in her life and so many things she's missed in mine. i already haven't seen her for a year. what would it be like to never see her again. god. what the hell am i talking about. she's still alive. she's not going to die any time soon. I'll be able to see her, and deal with anything we need to deal with. There's no reason to be sad about this. but i am. i am something.i dont even know what anymore... I'm lonley. i'm unhappy, i'm bored, i'm boring, i'm annoying. i'm everything. i just dont know anymore.
...I feel so alone. Everyone around me is so happy. I was watching a few people today at linworth. a few couples. Mallory and Kevin was one of them... I just kinda sat upstairs watching them... They look so happy. well, mallory looked kinda down, but kevinwas happy, and trying to cheer her up. It was really cute, and he said something and she just looked up at him and gave him a hug. and i just wanted to die. I don't think i've ever experienced anything that good. They're so happy together, and just so... I don't even know. they look so.. perfect. not even that. I just don't know. but i look around, and i see all these happy couples, and all these people hanging out with friends. friends that really care, friends they've had for a while and know they can trust. they're all sitting there laughing and smiling and always know what to say to make eachother smile. I can't even do that anymore. I've gotten really good at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I never know what to say around people i don't know much about, and i just.. freeze up and can't function correctly. I start to babble about stupid shit that they don't care about, and they start to think i'm either annoying or crazy. They might say something I know stuff about, then i'll be like "hey! i actually know something about this" and start to babble on about that. it's just... i never know what to say anymore. I never had this problem before. I've just gotten to the point that i don't talk unless they start to. then i just listen until i'm asked something or i can add something in, and once i've added it, recently i've just stopped talking after that. giving off the impression i'm real quiet. which i'm really not when i have something to say. i dont know. i'm really going on about nothing here. well, this is something, but... i dunno. i feel like i'm repeating myself over and over again... but it'll be alright. I dunno. I guess what i'm saying right now is that i want friends. people that i can talk to any time, people that will call me, people thati can hang out with. hell, i might even want to try a relationship sooner or later. I personally think i'm ready, may not be, but i dunno. too bad the people i have in mind either don't talk to me, or aren't interested in me. or i couldn't see myself in a relationship with them. or something.. bleh. now i'm going on about relationships. yay. i think i'm done for now. i have more to go on about, but this entry is fairly long and i don't think i need to go on anymore...
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